Again

Long, hot, stressful day it was. I was tired physically. I am tired still, not physically. Is it really meant for me? Am I destined to become one? Because I don't want to become one. Is it about stability? I like that but nothing is stable. It's how you make out of life.

I want to see the different angles of the so-called "cityscapes." I want to escape from this prison cells called poverty and innocence. That might save me from poverty but innocence? How about inexperienced? I have this feeling that staying here is like building a wall between my own smalltown and the big city. And I don't want to hate my hometown because of it nor hating "it." It's payback time, I know. Part of me wants to pursue and go deeper as a sign of my eternal gratitude but becoming one is like chaining myself from fulfilling my dreams. For fulfilling what I really wanted.

As I've tried to start planning the design of my stepping stones to reach my dreams, it comes blocking my way.It always does and then just leaves me, them, us hanging. It confuses me yet I sometimes think that maybe I was really destined for it. That fate had long finished my story and just waiting for it to be published.

Whatever happens, I hope I can make everyone happy whatever HAPPYness means.

Maybe

I saw you in my dream. You were pitch-black, hazy, near and distant.  It woke me up and my heart thumped. Thumped like fast drumbeats. I can't remember the last time I dreamed of you. It troubled me. I was wrong in saying I forgot about you. I'm not sure I can but definitely maybe. I don't  know where you are. All I know is you're here in my mind. Sure to stay for a while.

I pressed the phone and checked the clock. All I hear is heavy breathing and constant snoring upstairs. The rest are silence. Defeaning silence. Great, sleep had totally left me. It has been aloof to me lately and now, I need to woo it again. I got up and turned on the damn machine. I browsed to while away the time until sleep decides to come back. It's 2am. They said that it's the devil's hour. Should I believe them? The dogs started howling. I'm not scared. That dream made me brave for a second. You made me brave. 

As I browsed, I saw you. Smiling and still. You're different the first time I saw you. I would be happy to see you with someone. Happy and hurt. I won't be surprised if you get married soon, you're not getting any younger. I won't be surprised but again that would hurt. Really hurt. You can never be mine. If time comes when we meet, maybe I'll pretend that I forgot your name, maybe I'll take the opposite turn, maybe you'll say hey, maybe you'll say you miss me, or maybe not, maybe...a lot of maybes.